Between Both Ends of Life

"When I had journey half of our life's way, I found myself within a shadowed forest, for I had lost the path that does not stray."

Anonymous


It seems that I have this strange empty feeling in my heart recently. I feel that I don't do things the way I used to - with much zeal and passion. My footsteps seem to be slower and heavier with every step taken. My ability to think had virtually depreciated almost equivalent to a piece of rotting cabbage. Basically, every human function I perform seem to reflect this emptiness in my "soul". Strangely, I even attempted to forsee my future, and it looks far from the happy and free days I expected. It's a very different kind of feeling as opposed to the bouts of minor depression which I am often predisposed to. Like a self-respecting healthcare professional, I suspected and diagnosed myself to have the all fearful "MIDLIFE CRISIS".

After doing some reading up on myself, the general definition of midlife crisis is a time of struggle and a feeling of being struck down by life, especially if the person is going through a transitional phase of their life. According to one article, if you are going through midlife crisis, you might experience a wide range of feelings, such as:

1. Discontent with the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years
2. Boredom with things/people that have held great interest and dominated your life
3. Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different
4. Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before
5. Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going

I seem to relate with number 4 and 5. A possible explaination may be that I am about take my first step into the working society and throw away the robes of a student. Although my attachments were meant to prepare me for the working world, working in a hospital is entirely a different thing altogether. Add to that the pressure of supporting the family as I am the eldest in the family. Most importantly of all, I am beginning to doubt my passion for my work. Although I really like what I do most of the time, it never fails to make my heart heavy whenever I see working physiotherapists work overtime and have little time for other things. Even with the government policy on free Saturdays, I guess the same phenomenon happens in all kinds of trade.

Well, I guess I have to sit down and think about my goals and my future. Hopefully that will lessen or even make this disturbing emptiness disappear. Otherwise, I may have to turn to some drastic measures...