Am I A Loner?

A recent reflection at my life and my relationship with others transpired an interesting but saddening finding - that I may have difficulty making FRIENDS. Although the statistics in my Friendster account is something to boast about at a relatively high number of 264, the number of people I would really consider a FRIEND is actually less than the number of fingers on my right hand (maybe I have a strict definition of a friend). Well...as one of my friends would often say, it is not the number of people you know, but the quality and depth of the relationship with your friends.

However, being an inquisitive individual by nature, I often question whether one can "survive" with one/two good friend/s. Just depending on one or two friends can be draining, both physically and mentally, on both parties as I believe everyone definitely wants time alone to recharge and that friend may be unable to meet your particular demands as everyone has different needs. On the other hand, having a room of friends is not favourable as well as one needs to spend a hell lot of time to actually know them. So, like many things in life, this falls on a delicate scale of balance and differs from individual to individual.

Another striking observation I made was that most of my friends were actually people whom I knew since a young age, and people I met later in my life seldom fall into the category of friends, most of them in the list of classmates, aquaintances or just "passer-bys". I seem to miss the old innocent days where friends are just "unknowingly" made, and also made to last. Starting a new friendship just seems like an impossible uphill climb up the most treacherous slopes of Mount Everest - which is most likely the primary reason why I stopped making friends. Or maybe it is the fact I have an unconventional (or otherwise perceived by most as unrealistic) concept of friendship? Sometimes, I just wonder,"Is it just me or is it because of others?" At least if I know consciously what I'm thinking about, I can do something about it. But, if the problem lies with others, I believe it is difficult, if not impossible, to change that. I am not one to try overly hard to gain the favour of others, but sometimes my actions are the manifestations of my desire.

My lips may smile, but my heart is not. At this point of time, I am extremely doubtful about my relationship with others, hopefully not to the point of paranoidia. But, one thing for sure, I yearn for the voice of Gaia to cleanse my restless soul and seek refuge in her warm embrace, forsaking the chaos of everyday life.