Failure

"Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive."

Scott Adams, American cartoonist



This week felt like the TOUGHEST week in my entire life. At the same point in time, I am experiencing difficulties in my attachments, my relationship, my financial problems and last but not the least, myself. That was the primary reason why I posted an encouragement to myself the previous post: To attempt to revive my spirits. I was doing very badly for my attachments (close to failing)primarily due to a personal obstacle of not being able to think fast on the spot and also for my procrastination to study. I just received my handphone bill and found out I still owe them one month of bills and I need cash for the impending V-day. And, recently, I'm beginning to question about my life and my future. Frankly speaking, it looks bleak to me. I asked myself,"Was God trying to make fun of me?" All of a sudden, I felt like I was all alone in this infinite space, a pebble in the Pacific Ocean or even worse, an electron in an atom. Worst of all, I felt desperate and close to tears (it's been years since water ran down in abundance down my eyes).

My true nature took over and I attempted to find the root of the problem through meditation. The crowd of confusion cleared as if the market of thoughts has closed down for the day. I listened to my own breathing and synchronized to my inner voice. I heard two faint words: Don't despair. After some time, my mind was void of distraction and seemed to be SERENE... Of course my problems were still all there but I managed to calm myself down to think rationally. There is an old Chinese saying: The desperate can be wise. Seems like it was quite true. Anyway, I began to organise my thoughts and attempted to find a possible solution for each problem. Through this process, I realised I was still prone to mood changes and my heart sways easily to my emotions and surroundings.

Anyway, I came to a difficult but neccessary decision in the end to persuade my supervisor to fail me, because deep inside, I know she will not do it even though my performance is truely incompetent. I told myself I will give myself another chance (not excuse) to learn to become a better therapist, and in the process, hopefully a better person as well. I hated to rejoice in mediocre performance only and had decided to stop procrastinating and seriously stop to think about my future. To become better at what one's doing, one definitely have to fall down and learn to climb up again. I know the path will not be easy but the steeper the slope, the stronger I need to be and the better I will be after I manage to overcome the mountain(that is if I don't fall off). This is a monumental step in my walk in life.



"Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts."

Albert Einstein